I knew I wouldn't get killed. Even when I wished as hard as I could to die, I knew it wouldn't happen. You couldn't just die and have everything end because you wanted it. You had to keep on and on, nights and mornings , day after day, forever. If I wanted it to end, that would be by killing myself. I thought more and more about that, but didn't want to do it. I wanted to believe something would happen to change things.